Designed Specifically for Women...

Lost in the Daties

No overgrown monsters that are always thinking about food, no fatties (of course), no Donna Juanitas (natch), no hamsters (okay, kinda lost me on that one), no dopers, smokers or alcoholics. Must love to have fun, Cosby sweaters and leather fingerless gloves. Please be into men that have no sense of how crushingly boring they are.

What Women Really Want

Guess which one of these guys does not take himself seriously?

The Feel-good Hit of the Season

Mouth-to-Anus Human Centipede: The Movie! And who says Hollywood is running out of ideas?

Oh, Gary! Will your star ever stop rising?!

Thunder Cats! Ho!

It's in the way that you use it.

The Emperor's New Jump Rope

Someone thought this was a good idea.

Worst/Best/Worst Name Ever

A man ahead of his time.

Candy Bra

This will be the strangest thing you will see all day. Fo' realz.

Precious moment

Pranks

Young at heart? No, I am juvenile at heart. Farts will always be funny. Nut shots, titty twisters, fat people falling down, milk out of the nose, flour in the hair dryer, etc...

All of it always has and will be funny. Why? Because it's not happening to me.

Jeepers Creepers

It might be the lethal quantity of whiskey that I have been putting into my system as of late or maybe it's the fact that I'm sleeping so much I don't see colors anymore, but I find this to be an astonshingly bad idea. Kids should be able to do yoga in the privacy of there own homes without the threat of having the mommy-jean wearing Creepiest Guy Ever or a giant rasta man rooster burgle their innocence away trying to learn downward facing dog.

awkwardmovieending.com

A young Marlon Jackson stars in Student Confidential from 1987. A story about a rich dude that gives it all up to become a high school guidance counselor. Oh, did I mention he pays drug dealers to beat him up? YEs, it's that bad. And by bad I mean amazing.

"Mammoth had claws!"

This might be the cutest little kid I have ever seen. Great story too. Don't skip ahead...it will totally ruin the ending for you.

Panic Bear

Yep, this looks like a great idea.

Bullet Bob Munden, or the coolest badass ever.

Yes Virginia, the Earth is 6,000 years old.

Just goes to show that people are as ignorant now as they were 6,000 years ago. When the Earth was created.

Pork Rinds: The Modernest of Marvels

Modern Marvels or How It's Made...this is my kind of TV viewing. It's my John and Kate + 8. I can get lost in hours of these type shows. If there is a marathon showing, I'm there. Skyscrapers in Dubai, carbon fiber kayaks, peppermint candy, toilets...doesn't matter. I want to know all the steps, how many people are involved, the chemical process, I want to watch the dies being cast, etc... Even when it comes to pork rinds. If you are like me the old saying "I love sausage, I just don't want to see how it's made" is a cop out. One of my favorite snacks growing up was a bag of pork rinds and a Big Red soda. Horrifying, I know. But this is America: we eat bad food and we aren't ashamed of it. Well, at least I'm not.

Inane Clown Pussies

Autotune...check! Combing Screamo, Crunk and Electronica...check! Young white kids from suburban Albuquerque that can't rap yet tout their cred by shopping at Hot Topic and pouring 40s in front their parents' "hoopties"....check! It's official, this is the worst thing I've ever seen or heard! We have officially run out of ideas. Oblivion here we come!

Open up and say, "Aaah!"

I'm hoping to combine the Comfort Wipe and Aaah Toilet Paper Foam to my daily bathroom regimen to make using the bathroom a truly evolved experience in personal hygiene. I'm making a vow to my nether region that I will use these products to keep it in the healthiest shape possible. As a matter of fact, Aaah and the Comfort Wipe have inspired me to create OW! Apricot Anus Scrub so I can exfoliate before (or after) I shoot the deuce.

Love at first wipe, indeed.

Dog - 7, Crotch - 0

Pure. Internet. Gold.

America We Stand As One

One can't truly celebrate the Americaness of this day without watching this web gem. Dennis Madalone, former Star Trek stunt coordinator and pre-irony age bandanaist, pulls out all the stops in this modern day holiday classic. Replete with plaintive flag clutching, spirit beings and an end credit reel that's as long as the actual video.

Fuck yeah.

Chinese

I'll admit it, I'm a bit of a crier. Babies make me cry. Certain movies, a beautiful song, a poignant childhood memory. I will always remember where I was when I first heard the Langley School Project. I was driving in my truck to work and NPR was doing a Saturday morning piece on the album, its genesis and recent discovery and release on Nonesuch Records label. The moment I heard that children's choir sing "God Only Knows" (already a tear-jerker of a song for me), I started heaving with uncontrollable man sobs. And the more I learned about the kids in this story, how they lived in rural, semi-isolated region of British Columbia, how the music teacher that had pulled the whole project together with kids from varying schools and grades, borrowed instruments and recording gear...it just slayed me.

I saw this video today and while it only primed my water works a little bit, I must say this is one of the most sublime choral arrangements I've ever heard for a pop song. The kids in this story seem like they are happy, well adjusted, confident and (justifiably) pleased with themselves. I guess what chokes me up about this is mostly the innate beauty and innocence of this performance. "Chinese" by Lily Allen, while a great song, seems a bit odd choice for such a pastoral arrangement. It works though. Beautifully so.

Anyway, here it is. Enjoy.

Microsoft has a sense of humor, apparently

I never gave much thought to Dean Cain. However, I wondered once if he ever banged Teri Hatcher while they were both starring in "Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman." And if one of those "new adventures" was him having unrestricted access to the 1993 version of Teri Hatcher's breasts. If so, that's just about the zenith of his career in my opinion. The video posted below is the next best thing he has ever done.

Cutaway

So, let me get this straight...the point is to cut away?

I love everything about this

Top 5 Best Moments in Firework Misadventure

What is the first thing that you think of when you think of Independence Day, The 4th of July, our nation's birthday? If you are like me it's BBQ, but most people I would venture to guess, think of fireworks. It is the symbolic badge of honor with which we proudly proclaim and celebrate our history, sovereignty, independence and pride as a country. Millions of people across the U.S. gather annually in huge crowds, sweaty queues and urban rooftops everywhere to witness some sort of fireworks display, whether it be private or publicly sponsored.

And then there are those that choose to ride to the outskirts of town to purchase their pyrotechnic contraband, bring it back home and play God with their genitals and the faces of others by acting in the most irresponsible manner one could imagine. It is these people I applaud as well as the enlightened and brave souls that are on hand to video tape these antics.

5. Rocket's Red Glare

4. He passed out, he had it coming

3. Better Living Through Chemistry. And Cabinetry.

2. Vasectomy

1. The Ass Rocket, or as I'd like to call it: The Greatest Moment in Internet Video History

Sam Malone FAIL.

Different Drummers

This is a sweet gem a friend passed along to me today. I don't know what this is, why it happened or how it came to be I'm just glad that it did. Best I can descibe it is that these poor fellows have been captured (the obvious crime of wearing either a red or turquoise turtleneck), tried and sentenced to a life of hard swinging and rocking whilst being barked at by a draconian overlord in white fluffy ear muffs and epaulettes.

Side note: You might recognize one of the drummers, the skinny bloke on the right side with the leather cap and sunglasses trying not to be recognized....that's Ginger Baker of Cream. Also appearing is Andy White, English session drummer, who was the only other person besides Paul McCartney, to play drums on a Beatles song. White played on the U.S. single versions of "Love Me Do" and "P.S. I Love You."

The Passion of the Note

If you are like me, you like passion. And If you are really like me, you really like aggression. And if you are really, really, really like me, you really like passiveaggressivenotes.com

The Beatles Rock Band Intro

I wish the whole game looked like this.

The Beatles: Rock Band Intro from Micheal Howard on Vimeo.

London Calling

The Dildoist

Woman: "How was work today, dear?"
Man: "Well, let's see...I'll give you three guesses, and the first two don't count."

Balls

The Emperor's New Shoes

There have been many in a long line of annoyingly horrible shoe fads. As of late we've been seen Crocs, Uggs and those stupid peasant slippers that every skinny-jeaned she-douche hipster seems to come equipped with. Plus, let us not forget the "fanny pack" of all footwear: those stupid ass hiking sandals that look like something The Predator would wear to a weekend up to Big Sur, that ironically, always end up on the feet on the most obese and sedentary individuals to ever wear white socks.

With that being said I introduce to you the Vibram Five Fingers. (I guess the Five Toes had less of a ring to it.) And while they have been around for a while, there has been a marketing push as of late to make them next big thing. Even TIME magazine awarded them one of the best inventions of 2007. The website even claims that these glorified footie socks will "make you stronger and healthier, improve your balance, agility and proprioception"(whatever the fuck that is!) However, I was mildly shocked that the price range for these dorksiders range below the $100 mark.

And while I may be getting ahead of myself by predicting this trend , I'll bet you dimes to donuts that in few months we'll be seeing these in some big movie or tv show and then on the knock off aisle at Walgreens. I call shenanigans on the Vibram Five Fingers! Or should I say shoe-nanigans. Wah wah.

Tyrannosaurus Sex Offender

And the "Coolest Sex Offender Name" Award goes to...........

Tilt shift

Tilt shift photography is amazingly cool and somewhat technical to grasp. I barely know how to turn on my shower, but from what I've read it refers to the use of some sort of lens tilt and a large aperture to achieve a very shallow depth of field. Therefore, it makes things that are big appear in miniature when actually they are anything but.

What you see in these videos is real, not fake or miniaturized, not any kind of CGI wizardry. Keith Loutit is the creator of these videos and if I did drugs he would be my hero.

Metal Heart from Keith Loutit on Vimeo.

Mardi Gras from Keith Loutit on Vimeo.

Bathtub IV from Keith Loutit on Vimeo.

A Famous Person Has Died

Pretty much sums it up.

Superficial

I am an unabashed fan of thesuperficial.com. The guy is hilarious. And he just scored a few new points with me on the Perez Hilton lawsuit against the Black Eyed Peas road manager that allegedly assaultled him:

The Black Eyed Peas' manager Polo Molina is being sued for punching Perez Hilton in the face at the 2009 MuchMusic Video Awards Sunday night, according to the AP:

The celebrity blogger, whose real name is Mario Lavandeira, sued the Peas' road manager in Los Angeles for battery and intentional infliction of emotional distress. He is seeking unspecified damages of more than $25,000.

"Perez Hilton was assaulted by the band's road manager because he would not agree to stop writing about the Black Eyed Peas on his Web site," Bryan Freedman, Hilton's lawyer, said in a statement. "Whether you love Perez or hate him, he is entitled to his freedom of speech without fear of physical violence. This lawsuit will make the statement that violence is never the answer."

Wait. I thought he got punched in the face for calling Will.I.am a "fucking faggot" not because he's a shining crusader of first amendment rights. I guess I missed the part where Perez and George Washington battled the King of England for the right to make it look like splooge is falling out of Britney's dress. Must've happen between all the Twitters.

Read thesuperfical.com. It makes fun of celebrities so you don't have to.

Sonya, the slow loris

If you aren't a fan of cute animals you obviously have a heart of pure bituminous coal; like that of a Medieval executioner.

And in case you missed it, here is Sonya's debut to the internets:

Nice Day For A White (Castle) Wedding

When Hairy Met Salli

Gay Exorcism

I was really bummed because I thought this said "Gay Exercise" video. (Uh, wait did I just say that out loud?)

Seriously, I really don't want to make fun of this because it's actually a really sad story, but I can't help it. And I'm sorry but homosexuality is no more caused by demons than HIV is contracted by stubbing your toe. Unless you stub your toe at a glory hole. Repeatedly. But I digress.

Now just when you think this news piece will show a different, informed side to this whole event there is a woman that's a mentor for gay teens that is interviewed for her perspective. Her last line is, sadly, very funny to me or maybe it's just how it's edited. And making light of this is probably why my black soul will be eaten by an AIDS demon while I sleep.

Squirrel costume for that special nutcase in your life

"I believe that children are our future...

...teach them well and let them lead the way."

That's a nice, but antiquated sentiment given that a lot of kids today have become socially maladjusted, internet-addicted spoiled effing brats. For example, this young lad that has just had his World of Warcraft account shut down by his parents. Good for them. And even better that his younger brother had the where-with-all to document it for posterity.

Breast Rest

I thought the opening line the first time I saw this was "Millions of women like yourself, suffer from a porn nights rest."

Amazing. Someone, other than Billy Mays, thought this was a good idea.

P.S.

Speaking of senseless products, I'm reposting this one to remind us all that sometimes necessity is not the mother of invention.

Curse of the Bad 80s Perm

From the PBS show Many Voices, Many Vision (circa the 80s i'm sure) comes this winning clip in which a young Caucasian girl is cursed with “looking like a Black boy.”

Wow.

The Snake Charmer

This needs no set up.

News FAIL

This is an *actual* news report from the Fox news affiliate in Cleveland, OH. I think my favorite line for the whole things is "Tina was too stunned to get a picture, but this is probably what it looked like. But real." Instant classic.

Tawkin' 'bout practice?

Auto tune the news was funny the first time I saw it for about 2.5 minutes. This might be too, but it's pretty clever for a recycled idea. The Joe Namath bit is classic.

Semen recycling and adult diapers....

of course.

Cheap Trick once asked: "Whatever happend to all the season's losers of the year?" Well, I think we have the blue ribbon winner for this season. Enjoy.

Will you be here tomorrow?

Will you?

Electric Stimulus Face Test

Japanese experimental media artist Daito Manabe choreographs a synchronized face dance for four friends by hooking them up to the Face Visualizer, a device which converts music into electrical impulses that stimulate the facial muscles.

As strange as it is brilliant.

Business cards....

...we're doing it wrong.

Easter+creep=Creapster

I think if I was a child I would be absolutely horrified by this guy. But then again, I'm not German either.

Not in a million years....

will this ever happen again.

The Mother of All Funk Chords

This is brilliant. It's been around a while but I think it's pure genius and warrants multiple viewings.

Here is kutiman's youtube page...the author of aforementioned brilliance. Watch these as well, but "thru-you-01" is the best. Enjoy.

Saber Idol

Light sabers? Check! Judges? Check! Hot backing band playing some sweet classic rock jams? Check!

Imminent danger in Minnesota, eh?

I don't know quite what this is or its purpose, I just know that it made my day.

hairfreakydeaky

Here is a guy on the youtube named hairfreaky. He has aptly titled himself. He has long lustrous hair that he is obviously enamored with and he wants you to be as well. I think I will call him "Manpunzel." Watch as he waves his tendrils of tonsorial titillation.

And if you can't get enough of Manpunzel, go to his channel and watch more hot, strand on strand action like dude brushing his hair, dude sitting on the sofa or dude putting it up in a sexy bun. It's all there.