Boner, She Wrote

I never knew that Angela Lansbury was such a randy minx. I vaguely recall popping wood as a young lad whilst watching "Bedknobs and Broomsticks," but seeing her do her Kegels and lavishly bathe herself is making me tingle where my bathing suit covers.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go jab my eyes out with a rusty butter knife.

The Crying Wife

Normally I can't stand the sight of a woman crying. It unnerves me regardless of the situation. However, this woman is adorable because she bawls and cries copious crocodile tears at the ends of movies that are even remotely sad. Her husband, being the genus that he is, has dedicated a whole website to capturing these precious moments.

Here a few examples:

"Does R2D2 get put back together?"

"I thought it was just gonna be about robots!"



www.cryingwife.com

Best of 2009

So it's been a while and even though 2009 is but a distant memory, I have to give honors where honors are due to some my favorite finds of the past year.

I understand if you don't want to watch all of these, but do yourself a favor and make sure you watch Mark Gormley at #1.



10. Amazing Video Weirdness



9. Winkers



8.The Slow Loris



7. Thru-you-01



6. Cleveland Fox news report on suburban bear sighting



5. Tilt Shift, thank your Keith Loutit

Metal Heart from Keith Loutit on Vimeo.

4. Best in useless product infomercials









3. The Snake Charmer



2. Happy in Paraguay



1. Mark Gormley "Without You"

Designed Specifically for Women...

Lost in the Daties

No overgrown monsters that are always thinking about food, no fatties (of course), no Donna Juanitas (natch), no hamsters (okay, kinda lost me on that one), no dopers, smokers or alcoholics. Must love to have fun, Cosby sweaters and leather fingerless gloves. Please be into men that have no sense of how crushingly boring they are.

What Women Really Want

Guess which one of these guys does not take himself seriously?

The Feel-good Hit of the Season

Mouth-to-Anus Human Centipede: The Movie! And who says Hollywood is running out of ideas?

Oh, Gary! Will your star ever stop rising?!

Thunder Cats! Ho!

It's in the way that you use it.

The Emperor's New Jump Rope

Someone thought this was a good idea.

Worst/Best/Worst Name Ever

A man ahead of his time.

Candy Bra

This will be the strangest thing you will see all day. Fo' realz.

Precious moment

Pranks

Young at heart? No, I am juvenile at heart. Farts will always be funny. Nut shots, titty twisters, fat people falling down, milk out of the nose, flour in the hair dryer, etc...

All of it always has and will be funny. Why? Because it's not happening to me.

Jeepers Creepers

It might be the lethal quantity of whiskey that I have been putting into my system as of late or maybe it's the fact that I'm sleeping so much I don't see colors anymore, but I find this to be an astonshingly bad idea. Kids should be able to do yoga in the privacy of there own homes without the threat of having the mommy-jean wearing Creepiest Guy Ever or a giant rasta man rooster burgle their innocence away trying to learn downward facing dog.

awkwardmovieending.com

A young Marlon Jackson stars in Student Confidential from 1987. A story about a rich dude that gives it all up to become a high school guidance counselor. Oh, did I mention he pays drug dealers to beat him up? YEs, it's that bad. And by bad I mean amazing.

"Mammoth had claws!"

This might be the cutest little kid I have ever seen. Great story too. Don't skip ahead...it will totally ruin the ending for you.

Panic Bear

Yep, this looks like a great idea.

Bullet Bob Munden, or the coolest badass ever.