awkwardmovieending.com

A young Marlon Jackson stars in Student Confidential from 1987. A story about a rich dude that gives it all up to become a high school guidance counselor. Oh, did I mention he pays drug dealers to beat him up? YEs, it's that bad. And by bad I mean amazing.

"Mammoth had claws!"

This might be the cutest little kid I have ever seen. Great story too. Don't skip ahead...it will totally ruin the ending for you.

Panic Bear

Yep, this looks like a great idea.

Bullet Bob Munden, or the coolest badass ever.

Yes Virginia, the Earth is 6,000 years old.

Just goes to show that people are as ignorant now as they were 6,000 years ago. When the Earth was created.

Pork Rinds: The Modernest of Marvels

Modern Marvels or How It's Made...this is my kind of TV viewing. It's my John and Kate + 8. I can get lost in hours of these type shows. If there is a marathon showing, I'm there. Skyscrapers in Dubai, carbon fiber kayaks, peppermint candy, toilets...doesn't matter. I want to know all the steps, how many people are involved, the chemical process, I want to watch the dies being cast, etc... Even when it comes to pork rinds. If you are like me the old saying "I love sausage, I just don't want to see how it's made" is a cop out. One of my favorite snacks growing up was a bag of pork rinds and a Big Red soda. Horrifying, I know. But this is America: we eat bad food and we aren't ashamed of it. Well, at least I'm not.

Inane Clown Pussies

Autotune...check! Combing Screamo, Crunk and Electronica...check! Young white kids from suburban Albuquerque that can't rap yet tout their cred by shopping at Hot Topic and pouring 40s in front their parents' "hoopties"....check! It's official, this is the worst thing I've ever seen or heard! We have officially run out of ideas. Oblivion here we come!

Open up and say, "Aaah!"

I'm hoping to combine the Comfort Wipe and Aaah Toilet Paper Foam to my daily bathroom regimen to make using the bathroom a truly evolved experience in personal hygiene. I'm making a vow to my nether region that I will use these products to keep it in the healthiest shape possible. As a matter of fact, Aaah and the Comfort Wipe have inspired me to create OW! Apricot Anus Scrub so I can exfoliate before (or after) I shoot the deuce.

Love at first wipe, indeed.

Dog - 7, Crotch - 0

Pure. Internet. Gold.

America We Stand As One

One can't truly celebrate the Americaness of this day without watching this web gem. Dennis Madalone, former Star Trek stunt coordinator and pre-irony age bandanaist, pulls out all the stops in this modern day holiday classic. Replete with plaintive flag clutching, spirit beings and an end credit reel that's as long as the actual video.

Fuck yeah.

Chinese

I'll admit it, I'm a bit of a crier. Babies make me cry. Certain movies, a beautiful song, a poignant childhood memory. I will always remember where I was when I first heard the Langley School Project. I was driving in my truck to work and NPR was doing a Saturday morning piece on the album, its genesis and recent discovery and release on Nonesuch Records label. The moment I heard that children's choir sing "God Only Knows" (already a tear-jerker of a song for me), I started heaving with uncontrollable man sobs. And the more I learned about the kids in this story, how they lived in rural, semi-isolated region of British Columbia, how the music teacher that had pulled the whole project together with kids from varying schools and grades, borrowed instruments and recording gear...it just slayed me.

I saw this video today and while it only primed my water works a little bit, I must say this is one of the most sublime choral arrangements I've ever heard for a pop song. The kids in this story seem like they are happy, well adjusted, confident and (justifiably) pleased with themselves. I guess what chokes me up about this is mostly the innate beauty and innocence of this performance. "Chinese" by Lily Allen, while a great song, seems a bit odd choice for such a pastoral arrangement. It works though. Beautifully so.

Anyway, here it is. Enjoy.

Microsoft has a sense of humor, apparently

I never gave much thought to Dean Cain. However, I wondered once if he ever banged Teri Hatcher while they were both starring in "Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman." And if one of those "new adventures" was him having unrestricted access to the 1993 version of Teri Hatcher's breasts. If so, that's just about the zenith of his career in my opinion. The video posted below is the next best thing he has ever done.

Cutaway

So, let me get this straight...the point is to cut away?

I love everything about this

Top 5 Best Moments in Firework Misadventure

What is the first thing that you think of when you think of Independence Day, The 4th of July, our nation's birthday? If you are like me it's BBQ, but most people I would venture to guess, think of fireworks. It is the symbolic badge of honor with which we proudly proclaim and celebrate our history, sovereignty, independence and pride as a country. Millions of people across the U.S. gather annually in huge crowds, sweaty queues and urban rooftops everywhere to witness some sort of fireworks display, whether it be private or publicly sponsored.

And then there are those that choose to ride to the outskirts of town to purchase their pyrotechnic contraband, bring it back home and play God with their genitals and the faces of others by acting in the most irresponsible manner one could imagine. It is these people I applaud as well as the enlightened and brave souls that are on hand to video tape these antics.

5. Rocket's Red Glare

4. He passed out, he had it coming

3. Better Living Through Chemistry. And Cabinetry.

2. Vasectomy

1. The Ass Rocket, or as I'd like to call it: The Greatest Moment in Internet Video History